Early in our relationship I remember asking my husband if he would always love me as  much as he did then.  Without the slightest bit of hesitation he replied, “How could I not?” Isn’t that how love always starts? Whispered little nothings (which are really everything at the time), hope, promises, and optimism abound. If only life was so simple that you could live in that space forever.

To say things haven’t changed since then would be a lie.  We’ve brought a child into the world, we’ve faced financial problems, we bought our first home, we fight, we say things we don’t mean, and we have even been through a few struggles I really wasn’t sure our relationship could survive. That is life and anyone who says differently is either lying to themselves or to you. Can your really blame them? Who wouldn’t want to be in a relationship that was all sunshine and no struggle, forever basking in a honeymoon glow?

In real life you have to work to keep your relationship alive and, unlike those midterm papers in college, you can’t cram, cheat, or pull an all-nighter to fix it. In the end, it’s the little things that you do day in and day out that will determine if you are still “just as in love” or even more so  years later. Love for your partner can’t be noncommittal and fleeting, Love has to be your Lifestyle.

Our love has changed and matured over the years. In many ways it has gotten even better. Like a fine wine aging, it has become more full-bodied, more robust, more complex, and without a doubt it has increased in value. We truly do try to love each other in little ways, even through our fights and struggles. Many things have changed, but I can still say that my heart beats for my husband and that even after all these years he can still  give me goosebumps with a quick kiss. So if your marriage is struggling, if you are going through a valley in life (and in love), or if you are wanting to keep your love alive, here are the little steps that you can take to make (or keep) love as your lifestyle.

 Kiss Them Good Morning and Good Night

  (No exceptions!)

My husband and I have been on very different schedules recently. His work requires him to be up before the sun shines, so he is often home for less than a few hours before he’s nodding off on the couch or ready to crawl into bed. I, on the other hand, rise shortly before I make the mad dash to get our older child to school on time. Evenings are when I focus on my writing, and let’s just say recently there have been some late nights.

Despite that it often feels like we are ships passing in the darkness, he kisses me good morning before he leaves for work and I give him a peck before I finally fall asleep. We aren’t always conscious, I may be snoring with an ever attractive string of drool attached to my pillow, yet we never deviate from our ritual.

You may wonder WHY? They aren’t even awake, they don’t know that you kissed them or anything, so why bother?

Here’s the secret: Those daily kisses aren’t for your loved one, they are for YOU.

Every morning my husband starts his day thinking of me and why he loves me. Every night I fall asleep thinking about how lucky I am to have found my husband. It doesn’t matter what the day brings or what the previous day brought, we take a few seconds every day to think about each other and appreciate the irreplaceable role they play in our lives.

Call or Text

Every day I wake up to a text message from my husband telling me he loves me. It’s nothing long, it is pretty much always the same message, and it certainly isn’t shakespearian prose, but that text message makes my day EVERY DAY. It shows that in the midst of the chaos at his work he thought about me and wanted me to know that he made it there okay, it shows that he cares. Because while the first thing on my list is for you, it is important to remind your partner that you love and appreciate them as well.

Normally I am in a rush when I see that text (because this tired mama oversleeps A LOT), but I always call as soon as I hit the end of school zone sign. Every day. He may not be able to answer, but he always calls back as soon as he is able. We both use that short time to connect and touch base. We talk about his schedule at work and what I plan on doing at home. No matter what else is going on in our relationship or in our lives, we have never gotten mad or let a fight carry over to this morning pow-wow. It is our short little time to talk, a reprieve from worries, and we both want each other to have the best start to their day possible.

Forget The Small Stuff

There are enough real issues in life we can’t control to fight over last night’s dishes or that pile of laundry. So as long as you are both doing the best you can, let the small things go. I won’t lie, there are times my house looks like an F-2 ripped through it and although my husband and I both look at each other and bemoan cleaning, we never fight over it. We never place blame, because in reality this is both of our home, both of our kids, both of our responsibility.

Make Time

My husband and I haven’t been great at this one recently. With a new baby, him working crazy hours, and me writing, there always seems to be something to do. But even in these crazy times we still eat dinner together (even if its on the couch), we catch up for five minutes or so every time we are in the same room and those little times spent together DO add up. They allow us to feel connected even in the most chaotic of times.

Yes we do need to schedule a date night, even if it’s just watching a Netflix movie over pizza. Ideally we would go out just the two of us (because one real date in 6 months is far too little), but that may not be in the cards and that’s okay. While everyone touts the benefits of weekly or bi-monthly date nights, the truth is for so many couples (like us) it’s just not an option right now. So make the most of the time you do have, steal those 5 minutes when you are able, eat together on the couch, dance while cooking, do whatever you can do to to carve out time for each other.

Have Fun

Life is full of enough stressors and must-dos, and while marriage does require some maintenance, it shouldn’t feel like work. Don’t get so weighed down by the tedious drudgery of life you forget to have fun with your partner. It doesn’t have to be a trip to Six Flags or a night at the karaoke bar (although those are fun too). It can be really small things that make you and your partner smile. In my household we take goofy snapchat pictures, we communicate in GIFS, and we save the funniest things we come across on Facebook to share. These things aren’t big, they aren’t shiny, they aren’t expensive but they make us laugh which brings us closer together. So create your own inside jokes, share the joys of life with one another, and laugh as often as you can.

Shades of Gray

Get your mind out of the gutter because I’m not referring to those “Shades” (although they are kinda important to a marriage too). I am referring to that nothing in life is black and white, including you and your partner. During marital struggles it is hard to remember that although your husband may have done something that hurt you or that drove you nuts, that does not mean he is no longer the man you love. As much as you may not understand or appreciate that particular action, it doesn’t mean that he is a bad person or bad husband overall.

As hard as it can be to put into practice the converse is also true. I know I take everything pretty personally, one criticism from the man I love can make not want to leave bed for a week. The reality is just because he sees one issue doesn’t mean he wishes he never married me, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me, that one thing that needs improvement doesn’t make me a bad wife or mother.

So I encourage you to view your relationship in shades of gray and do yourself the courtesy of viewing yourself that way as well. No one is perfect and as humans we all make mistakes. So in the midst of fighting about the bill someone forgot to pay or why your husband seems to work all the time of late, remember that that one issue is just a very small part of a much larger whole. That one issue may be worth discussing, but try to remember all the things that are on the other side as well, like the 20 other bills that were paid on time or that your husband doing the best he can to provide. In my experience this mindset can keep you positive, keep you appreciative, and keep you in love.

Think before you speak

Raise your pinky if you’ve ever said something you later wish you could take back? If you didn’t, I’m pretty confident you aren’t being truthful with yourself. After all when fights happen we sometimes think of a valid point and put it out there without thinking through how those words will impact our partners. I don’t care what that old rhyme says, there are definitely times when words can have a far greater reach than any sticks and stones, especially when those words  come from your partner in life.

So next time you are having a disagreement pause before you hit the send on that text and ask yourself two important questions:

1. Is this really how I feel or am I just mad?

2. How will my partner feel when they read this?

Those two lines of thought have stopped me from sending quite a few texts and in reality, the times I haven’t thought through them are the times I feel horrible after we fight. Because disagreements will happen, but you should never be worried about if your husband will still be happy to see you when he gets home. You both should never doubt your love for each other. You should never be forced to question how your spouse actually views you.

Life is hard and marriage can be difficult at times too. At the end of the day, remembering why you fell in love and vowed to spend your life with your partner goes a long way, and little acts of daily kindness and caring go further than grand romantic gestures. By making love your lifestyle, you will find that your partner can once again be your shelter from the storm and life’s larger hurdles are so much easier to face together than apart.