As I type this it has been a rough morning. We are now 48 hours out from my son’s birthday party and I have spent the majority of my morning tracking down the parent’s of children we haven’t heard from.

Normally I wouldn’t go this far, I never have when we’ve thrown parties before. In the past I’ve sent home the invites and over the next two weeks RSVP’s trickled in. I didn’t bother to check up on the children who didn’t RSVP because common sense dictated that they wouldn’t be attending (although I always planned for a few extra because you never know).

But this year is different.. This year the weeks passed and I heard nothing. No texts. No e-mails. No calls. So I started with the parents I had phone numbers for and checked in. Most planned on attending but had not RSVP’d. Our count was up to 4 guests.

I gave it a few more days to see if anything else came in and once again nothing. So I used my internet sleuthing skills to track down and message the remaining parents. I sent messages and have so far  received a few regrets, but the vast majority have remained silent.

I keep wracking my mind for what changed from previous parties? We did move… but my son has attended this school for an entire school year. It’s his first year of public school, but really is the differential between daycare parents and public school parents that profound?

My parties as a child were always full of my classmates, it was rare that more than a few couldn’t attend. My first thought is what did I do wrong? We’ve gone to the major school events, but should I have drug my infant to more PTO meetings? We attended the vast majority of parties to which we were invited, so it’s not like we have been isolationist. What else could I have done so that kids( and really their parents) would WANT to come to my child’s party?

As I so often do, I turned to the internet for answers. What I found was disheartening to say the least. A 9 year old boy who invited his whole class and not one came, leaving him in a house full of decorations by himself. A mom who invited 30 kids and received 20 RSVPs and yet no one showed up the day of.

Beyond these ( and many other) stories, which had me moved to tears, I found what I’m sure is well-intentioned advice. “Offer a wine-raffle for the parents who RSVP” one site advises! “Use reciprocity to make kids come, send stickers, post-it notes, or other goods with the invites” touts another. “Include pre stamped check box-style RSVPs so people can RSVP easily.” “Rent out a hot venue, even if it is over budget, so people will show up.” The advice goes on and on.

All I could think after reading these articles is what has our society come to?

We now have to bribe parents to allow their kids to come to our children’s parties? To even RSVP? We now have to make the focus on something other than OUR CHILD because that isn’t enough?

I know schedules are busier than ever, I know family moments are sometimes precious and few, I understand being tired. I DON’T understand not one out of 23 people RSVP’ing of their own volition.

So the next time your child brings home a birthday invite, I encourage you to not just think about your Saturday morning shopping or what else you could be doing. Think about the child behind that invite. Think about the child who, like my son, just wanted to celebrate with his friends and was more excited about that than any other gift he could have received. Think about your own child and how you would want them to be treated.

You may not know everything behind the scenes. Like that this was my son’s major present this year. When asked whether he would rather receive gifts or have a party with his friends at a nature preserve, he picked spending time with your child. You may not know that his REAL birthday isn’t for another month but we scheduled this party early so we could send home the invites before the school year ended. Honestly at this point I’m pretty sure we thought of YOU more than you thought of him.

I understand that summers are busy. I understand not every child can always make it. I’m not saying cancel previous plans that can’t be changed. I understand that life happens to the best of us and we truly can’t be everywhere at once. But please do me a favor and send your regrets early so that hopefully another child can attend in your stead. And please try to be there when you can. One parent to another, I would be there for your child.

Luckily I have some amazing friends. Even at this late hour they’re willing to show up with bells and whistles on. I’ve had the hard talk with my son that few of his friends from school will be there. I’ve told him that they would love to celebrate with him, but are on vacation, or have family events they have to be at (you are welcome). Most of all I’ve told him that we will have fun, that he is loved by me and so many others, and that we will make this one AWESOME party for him and his friends that do attend. I’m happy to say that we ended that conversation with a smile on his face( albeit a little less pep in his step).